July 18, 2008

I miss you!

This is the picture above the mantel in our house. I mean Her house.

At about this time last year I was sitting in a hospital with a Neurologist telling me and my family that my mother was officially brain dead. I remember feeling like someone had just punched me in the stomach and I could not catch my breath. My first thoughts were "How am I going to be able to live without her? How am I going to be able to have this baby without her? How am I going to be able to go on living with out? I didn't get to say goodbye!!!" Then I just cried until it hurt to cry anymore. I spent the next week being very numb as I made all the plans for her memorial and her burial. I just had to focus on the task at hand or else I don't think I could of been able to do had I really realized what I was doing. After everything settled down, reality set in. I would never see her again. She wasn't going to see my children grow up. Who was I going to call when me and Tim got into a fight. Who was I going to go shopping with. She was not just my mother but my very best friend. I felt so very alone and very very empty.

I know this is probably hard to read but really my whole point of it all is that I am still here. Life does go on. I don't cry everyday anymore. I can think about her and talk about her without crying now. I did have my baby without her. I was able to go on living without her. Do you want to know my secret? My true faith and belief in God, number one. Number two, I have an amazing support system. My wonderful husband, the best mother-in-law in the whole world, an amazing and supportive family. Oh and I have to mention my girlfriends who are always there waiting with Margaritas in hand. God is amazing!!! If I had not had my faith, I could not have made it. Knowing that she is in such a better place and that I will see her again has been such a comfort to my soul. I can not imagine what it would be like otherwise.


  1. I know this year has been a hard one for you. Your mom would be proud. We miss her.

  2. I love you Mandy!! You are an amazing, beautiful woman of God. I'm so blessed to have you for a best friend!! You are amazing!