October 7, 2008

I AM an organ donor

I don't know how many die hard ER fans are out there but I have been one for years. I can not believe that this THE final season. I don't know what I am going to do.

The Thursday before last was the first one of the season. If you are a fan, you know what happened. They killed Pratt off. It was probably the hardest episode that I have ever watched on ER because it really hit home for me. I have been threw it. The episode really brought back a lot of feelings and I balded like a baby. It has also been very hard for me to get off my chest. I believe that I was very open with what I was going threw but think that people took my intentions very wrong. So here is the point I want to make.

Pratt, after he was pronounced brain dead, was lead through the hall to have his organs donated. You could tell that every one was having a hard time with it because he still looked alive. His brother on the show even said that he still felt warm. But he had made the decision himself before he died or even knew that he was going to die to be an organ donor. That means that no one can change that after they are gone.

Here is my personal story. First I will give you the down side of it. My mother had had a headache for a couple of days. Finally, not able to take it any more, turned to my step dad in the middle of the night and told him that if he did not call an ambulance quickly, she would not make it. We believe shortly after she arrived at the hospital she had an aneurysm. She started having trouble breathing on her own and was panicking. That is when they started helping her breath and sedated her so she would stop panicking. It was touch and go from this point. They did many test on her, including a CAT scan which confirmed the aneurysm. It had burst in a way to cover all of her brain. A 1 in like 3 million chance that it would burst like that. I stayed with her day and night for 3 days and 2 nights.

I had left the room so that others could go see her since she was in ICU. I was gone for a while. We were waiting for the doctor to come and do the second vitality test to check her brain activity. She had passed the first one. The way they do this is they turn the machine off and see if they try to take a breathe. She took a breath the day before. While we were waiting for the second set of results, I went to see her. I knew as soon as I walked in the room that it was not going to be good. I could feel that she was already gone. I touched her. Nothing. I tried praying for a miracle but nothing. I felt very very crept out. I know that sounds weird but that is how it felt to me. She just wasn't there any more. The doctor finally came and asked for John. They broke the news to him and left it to him to tell the rest of us. It was over.

Then came the time when they would let us know that she was on the donor list. She marked it on her drivers license. I don't think people really understand what that means when you mark that box. It is very real. We did not have an option on this or even a choice. She made that decision and that was that. They were just there to let us know what was going to happen and if we wanted to be involved in the process or not. OF course I wanted to. Me and my brothers. My aunts on the other hand were trying to fight it. Not an option, She checked the box. That was her decision.

I am soooooo glad that she checked that box. I think that if that decision would have been left up to me, I don't think that I could of done it. I honestly think that I would have felt like I killed her. It was so very hard to leave the hospital that night. I felt like I was abandoning her. She was still breathing, so it seemed. She was still pink in color. It still looked like her. It was very hard for my mind to understand that she was gone even though my heart already knew. I felt guilt over this for about a month.

The good side of marking the box on your license. Your family does not have to make that decision. One of the biggest comforts to me about it all is that there is still a little bit of my mother living some where out there. I don't know why but this brings comfort to me. Plus, I know that three lives were saved due to my mothers organs. I feel like they are incredibly blessed to have her in them. They have the touch of God, whether they wanted it or not. I like to sit back and think that they are incredible spirit warriors because they were touched by God through her organs. Silly, I know. I hope that I was able to make my point in all this. Sorry it is so long but I had to get it off my chest. I just hope that I can help others understand so that it is a little less painful for someone else. God Bless!

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